Respite
by ShadowSilk
Summary: Crackfic. All Lord Voldemort wanted to do was spread a little holiday cheer. With his sudden penchant for Yuletide merriment, he decided that baking cookies with his fellow Death Eaters was the perfect activity to do just that. Oneshot.


**Author's Note**: Crackfic! Plenty of craziness to ensue. And Lord Voldemort wielding a spatula. Haha, enjoy!

**Pairings**: None.

**Disclaimer**: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling.

* * *

Harry quietly gestured for his companions to follow, keeping one finger resting against his lips. A flickering flame on the end of his wand cast an eerie glow over his face, illuminating the determination in his bright green eyes. 

"_Shh_," he whispered. "Voldemort's headquarters are this way."

"Harry," Ron said, his voice slightly wavering, "are you sure…?"

"Yes," Harry replied quickly. He swallowed. "I need to face Voldemort eventually. Now's the best time to catch him off guard."

Hermione gave her two friends a shaky smile, trying to don a brave face. "Let's go."

With both overwhelming apprehension and a steadily increasing pool of adrenaline surging through their veins, the three Hogwarts students quietly made their way down the dusty corridor, creeping ever closer to the great danger which lay ahead.

* * *

At the end of the ominous hallway, there stood a massive ornate door. A pair of intertwined snakes were carved into the rich mahogany. They watched him with eyes of ruby, glittering and dangerous. 

Harry felt a jolt of pain flash through his scar. "Come on."

With wands out, the group moved forward. Harry decisively gripped the brass doorknob. He took a deep breath and flung open the door.

What lay inside made him gasp in surprise.

* * *

"No, no, no!" Voldemort exclaimed. "You're doing it _all_ _wrong_, Lucius!" 

Lucius crossed his arms. "No I'm not."

The Dark Lord strode forward and pushed Lucius out of the way. "Let me show you how it's done!"

"Hey!" Lucius protested. "That wasn't nice."

Snape looked up from his work and rolled his eyes.

"The dough is your friend," Voldemort explained. He began to gently knead the mixture. "Don't beat it with your fists like a barbarian. Circular motions, like so." He began to demonstrate, rolling the dough between his spidery hands. "Do you understand?"

"Yes, Dark Lord," Lucius said rather grumpily.

Satisfied, Voldemort handed the ball of cookie dough to Lucius. "There you are. I expect a well-made loaf of bread from you."

Lucius pouted. "I want to make cookies," he said under his breath.

Voldemort turned around, observing his Death Eaters. "Crabbe! Goyle! What do you think you're doing?"

Voldemort sprang forward and slapped the two men on the wrists. "You don't eat _all_ the dough, you blundering fools! We aren't going to have enough for the Christmas party!"

"Sorry," the two said sheepishly.

Bellatrix Lestrange slammed down her mass of cookie dough. She scowled. "This is stupid."

"Bellatrix," Lord Voldemort said patronizingly, "be reasonable. This is for a very good cause! Good moral fiber and whatnot. Plus the Christmas party's only in a few days; we have to get ready!"

"But I don't like cookies," she said stubbornly. "They aren't evil enough."

Voldemort positively gasped. "You don't like _cookies_? What is wrong with you?"

Bellatrix stared at him. Her eyes were like ice. "—_a__nd_ they're too crumbly."

Voldemort waggled a finger at her. "Ah, but you haven't tried _my_ recipe."

She was not convinced.

"Listen, Bella," Voldemort said, his voice rising. He pointed a spatula at her threateningly. "You will try my recipe and _like it_." He looked around the room. "Whose name can't be spoken?"

"…Yours?" Crabbe Sr. offered helpfully.

"Yes!" Voldemort pointed at himself with his thumb. "And that is why you will obey me!"

Snape glanced at Voldemort. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Of course it does!" the snake-like man replied grandly.

Snape sighed.

"We…uh…'ave vithitors," Goyle Sr. said thickly, through a mouthful of cookie dough.

Voldemort turned around. "Oh really?" He smiled. "Bring them in!"

* * *

Harry, Ron, and Hermione found themselves ushered into a splendid kitchen by two burly men. Flour dusted the floors and the Death Eaters inside; all of them were clad in ruffled aprons. In the middle of the room, Harry could see, there was a leather-bound floating recipe book. It was turned to a page labeled _Double-Chocolate Chunk Cookies_. Next to the tome stood Lord Voldemort himself, brandishing a spatula caked with raw cookie dough. 

Harry pointed his wand at Voldemort. Ron and Hermione tentatively followed suit.

The Potter boy blinked in surprise as he felt himself enveloped in a bone-crushing hug. Voldemort let go of him and beamed.

"…Er…_huh_?"

"Harry! Good to see you!" Voldemort cried. He motioned for the children to follow him into the kitchen. "Now, now, you can put those away," he said, shooting their wands a disdainful look. "No need for that here. Holiday truce!"

Ron's jaw dropped open.

Hermione scratched her head.

"What the heck is wrong with you?" Harry demanded, pushing himself away from the grinning man. "You're supposed to try and kill me!"

Voldemort looked offended. "And why would I want to do that?"

"Be careful," Hermione whispered to Harry. "It seems like a trap."

Harry stomped his foot. "This isn't how things are supposed to happen!"

"Now, now," Voldemort said, as if Harry's reaction was absurd. "It's almost Christmastime!" He let out a jolly laugh. It was frightening. "I'm not going to try to kill you and ruin the holiday merriment!"

Ron was blunt. He pointed at the trays of raw cookie dough. "What's up with the…baking?"

The Dark Lord looked proud. "I read that this kind of bonding time makes for good morale! It's a perfect activity for coworkers to partake in!"

Hermione's mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water.

"Why don't you children join us? We're making cookies and bread for our holiday party!" Voldemort cupped one hand around his mouth and lowered his voice. "_I'll even let you lick the spoon!_" he said in a conspiratorial whisper.

"No!" Harry shouted. He pivoted on his heel and began heading out the door. "We're leaving! C'mon guys!"

Ron stared at Voldemort. "D'you really mean it?"

"Of course, dear boy!" Voldemort said in a cheery tone.

"_Ron_…" Hermione said despairingly.

"Shut up, Hermione," Ron said dismissively. He linked arms with Voldemort. "I'm going to take advantage of this yuletide truce. I'm going to make cookies!"

With that, the snake-like man and red-haired boy skipped merrily to the giant bowl of dough.

"You're an evil man," Hermione snarled. She tapped her forehead with one finger. "I know you're up to no good."

When all she received in response was a mere shrug from Lord Voldemort, Hermione let out an exasperated sigh and headed out the door.

Voldemort shook his head in disbelief. "Haven't they heard of holiday cheer?"

He chuckled.

"They should see us around New Year's!"

* * *

**Author's Note**: I hope that you liked it! Please, please review! 

This was my first Harry Potter fan fiction. I hope that I did all right for a parody/crackfic. Constructive criticism, flames, praise…anything would be lovely!

I'm really hoping that there aren't any other stories like this…I'm pretty new to Harry Potter fan fiction, but as far as I know, I haven't seen others dealing with the same topic. Please tell me if there's another one like this! The last thing I want to do is steal another person's idea.

Thank you so much!

And happy holidays!


End file.
